First Flight
Jan. 27th, 2022 08:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
unsealthecatboxThat was a close call. Now I can rest for a while.
Despite how ridiculous it feels to think I came close to losing what little humanity I had left, I sighed with relief anyway once it was all over. It'd be tragic to be remembered last as that girl who got turned into a wraith. I'm well aware the impression others have of me is positive, somehow. Even though I have tried to keep my distance, something in me writhes with agony at the thought of that being the last sight they'd see of me.
...I suppose it means I appreciate their kindness.
Fate takes its turns. I'm not alone right now, and I'm aware of that. But somehow it still feels like everything and everyone is beyond a wall of glass, just out of reach. It's not a wall I made myself...I think.
It wasn't long before I summoned her once again. It hadn't been the first time -- Mammon was always good at helping me get my thoughts in order, always voicing the things I didn't want to say myself. Even if it's all in my head and by all functions just an imaginary friend, it's...nice to have someone who says the things I don't. Even in this strange place, Mammon appears, sitting near my legs, looking around with interest. I suppose that for her it's nice to see sights she had never seen before.
"You look like you crawled through hell, Ange-sama"
"I feel like it too," I said in my head. I don't need to say anything aloud for her to hear me.
Mammon seemed worried. "You should save your energy!"
Part of me always wondered if others would see Mammon whenever I call for her. This world is full to the brim with magic. Perhaps...enough magic for them to see her and judge she's real. If anyone has seen her the couple other times I talked to her, they never commented about it.
"What does it matter?" I replied. "I have half of my mind in not playing along with all this nonsense"
"What do you mean?"
"I'm sick of all the damn illusions!" I shouted, curling my fists. I can feel my nails dig on my palms. The only reason I don't fly into a rage is because I'm convalescing. I grimace, pained. "What's the point of all this?"
"I thought you had accepted this was all real"
It's true, I had once decided to accept it, back when I talked to her first, while I had first arrived. I had called her to see if I could, and of course, Mammon had seemed surprised I had. She's currently not my furniture, she's with her real master. But despite that, we had come to the agreement this all is real. Now I'm doubting it.
"Why the change?" she asked.
I explained how the recent events made me feel like this was all a big metaphor. Like it was a warning meant to deter me from seeking the truth of October 1986, something along the lines of telling me I will be consumed by my feelings if I'm not careful. Or maybe it's not all that deep. Witches are cunning, merciless beings who have no issue making lives hell for their own entertainment. This all could very well be another way of tormenting me once again. The creativity is nice, I suppose, but I don't need any of this.
Nothing will make me stop looking for the truth.
Mammon tilted her head, walking around and examining everything with interest. "So what does that make everyone else you have talked with?"
"Pieces" This is a gameboard, everyone is a piece. Probably crafted to represent some facet of me, or something.
"And what does that make you?"
"Another piece" I doubt even my own existence.
Mammon smirked at that. "Humans really have a knack for making everything be more complicated than it should be. I'd laugh but I know you would be so offended if I did!"
As if I couldn't see that smirk on her face. "You're overflowing with tactfulness"
"But you know, I think this is your chance"
My chance...? I looked at her, confused. Mammon's eyes widened with delight, with a hint of deviousness.
"When is the last time you had someone concerned about you? Someone who truly cared about you, or who at least took the time to talk about meaningless stuff with you?"
I blinked. Undeterred, Mammon continued:
"Ange-sama, when is the last time you were invited to have a meal? Or had someone telling you about their life, or just fooled around and had harmless adventures with? When is the last time anyone offered to be with you when you needed it?"
I don't answer.
"They barely know anything about you other than your name. Have you talked about yourself? Ange-sama, they know so little of you and there's people who care. I know it's hard to believe, but I think they do"
I look away.
Mammon keeps insisting: "You should be greedier, Ange-sama. Take it all and hold onto it as tight as you can!"
"I'd be accepting this fantasy. I refuse to get lost in it!"
"You don't have to get lost in it, but you won't get anywhere by refusing to engage"
...maybe she had a point there. I had started to mingle a little more with everyone, but once the Nazgul got me I threw it all away. I can't even promise I wouldn't do it again, if I'm shaken enough.
"If you can't accept this world, then at least accept what it's offering you. If everything is real you'll have experiences you longed for and never got. When all this is over and you return to trying to grasp the truth from all the witches keeping it from you, I hope you bring me a lot of tales about this world!"
"And if everything and everyone is an illusion?"
Mammon shrugged and answered before vanishing:
"Then I'd say they're all as real as I am"
I stare at the spot she was at for a long while. The topic of Mammon's existence is one I had discussed at length with her, and we both knew my stance on that. To bring that up was a low blow. Demons truly are crafty, knowing what buttons to press to get you to act. That also was a goodbye, wasn't it, Mammon? We're...not talking again until I'm done here, I suppose.
After a while I reach a decision. Fine. I will face this world and everyone in it. I'll refuse to let myself be swept away by what could be an elaborate deception to convince me to look away from the truth, but I probably won't get anywhere by closing my eyes and covering my ears. I will figure out what's the point of all this, and to do that, I'll immerse myself in everything these Wilderlands have to offer.
If it's all a lie, I will see through it and reach the truth that hides behind it all. If it's all real, then I will overcome any obstacle it throws at me so I can return home and fulfill my goals.
But no matter what, I will have to accept everybody here. Their kindness, their flaws, their actions...everything.
I guess I will.
Despite how ridiculous it feels to think I came close to losing what little humanity I had left, I sighed with relief anyway once it was all over. It'd be tragic to be remembered last as that girl who got turned into a wraith. I'm well aware the impression others have of me is positive, somehow. Even though I have tried to keep my distance, something in me writhes with agony at the thought of that being the last sight they'd see of me.
...I suppose it means I appreciate their kindness.
Fate takes its turns. I'm not alone right now, and I'm aware of that. But somehow it still feels like everything and everyone is beyond a wall of glass, just out of reach. It's not a wall I made myself...I think.
It wasn't long before I summoned her once again. It hadn't been the first time -- Mammon was always good at helping me get my thoughts in order, always voicing the things I didn't want to say myself. Even if it's all in my head and by all functions just an imaginary friend, it's...nice to have someone who says the things I don't. Even in this strange place, Mammon appears, sitting near my legs, looking around with interest. I suppose that for her it's nice to see sights she had never seen before.
"You look like you crawled through hell, Ange-sama"
"I feel like it too," I said in my head. I don't need to say anything aloud for her to hear me.
Mammon seemed worried. "You should save your energy!"
Part of me always wondered if others would see Mammon whenever I call for her. This world is full to the brim with magic. Perhaps...enough magic for them to see her and judge she's real. If anyone has seen her the couple other times I talked to her, they never commented about it.
"What does it matter?" I replied. "I have half of my mind in not playing along with all this nonsense"
"What do you mean?"
"I'm sick of all the damn illusions!" I shouted, curling my fists. I can feel my nails dig on my palms. The only reason I don't fly into a rage is because I'm convalescing. I grimace, pained. "What's the point of all this?"
"I thought you had accepted this was all real"
It's true, I had once decided to accept it, back when I talked to her first, while I had first arrived. I had called her to see if I could, and of course, Mammon had seemed surprised I had. She's currently not my furniture, she's with her real master. But despite that, we had come to the agreement this all is real. Now I'm doubting it.
"Why the change?" she asked.
I explained how the recent events made me feel like this was all a big metaphor. Like it was a warning meant to deter me from seeking the truth of October 1986, something along the lines of telling me I will be consumed by my feelings if I'm not careful. Or maybe it's not all that deep. Witches are cunning, merciless beings who have no issue making lives hell for their own entertainment. This all could very well be another way of tormenting me once again. The creativity is nice, I suppose, but I don't need any of this.
Nothing will make me stop looking for the truth.
Mammon tilted her head, walking around and examining everything with interest. "So what does that make everyone else you have talked with?"
"Pieces" This is a gameboard, everyone is a piece. Probably crafted to represent some facet of me, or something.
"And what does that make you?"
"Another piece" I doubt even my own existence.
Mammon smirked at that. "Humans really have a knack for making everything be more complicated than it should be. I'd laugh but I know you would be so offended if I did!"
As if I couldn't see that smirk on her face. "You're overflowing with tactfulness"
"But you know, I think this is your chance"
My chance...? I looked at her, confused. Mammon's eyes widened with delight, with a hint of deviousness.
"When is the last time you had someone concerned about you? Someone who truly cared about you, or who at least took the time to talk about meaningless stuff with you?"
I blinked. Undeterred, Mammon continued:
"Ange-sama, when is the last time you were invited to have a meal? Or had someone telling you about their life, or just fooled around and had harmless adventures with? When is the last time anyone offered to be with you when you needed it?"
I don't answer.
"They barely know anything about you other than your name. Have you talked about yourself? Ange-sama, they know so little of you and there's people who care. I know it's hard to believe, but I think they do"
I look away.
Mammon keeps insisting: "You should be greedier, Ange-sama. Take it all and hold onto it as tight as you can!"
"I'd be accepting this fantasy. I refuse to get lost in it!"
"You don't have to get lost in it, but you won't get anywhere by refusing to engage"
...maybe she had a point there. I had started to mingle a little more with everyone, but once the Nazgul got me I threw it all away. I can't even promise I wouldn't do it again, if I'm shaken enough.
"If you can't accept this world, then at least accept what it's offering you. If everything is real you'll have experiences you longed for and never got. When all this is over and you return to trying to grasp the truth from all the witches keeping it from you, I hope you bring me a lot of tales about this world!"
"And if everything and everyone is an illusion?"
Mammon shrugged and answered before vanishing:
"Then I'd say they're all as real as I am"
I stare at the spot she was at for a long while. The topic of Mammon's existence is one I had discussed at length with her, and we both knew my stance on that. To bring that up was a low blow. Demons truly are crafty, knowing what buttons to press to get you to act. That also was a goodbye, wasn't it, Mammon? We're...not talking again until I'm done here, I suppose.
After a while I reach a decision. Fine. I will face this world and everyone in it. I'll refuse to let myself be swept away by what could be an elaborate deception to convince me to look away from the truth, but I probably won't get anywhere by closing my eyes and covering my ears. I will figure out what's the point of all this, and to do that, I'll immerse myself in everything these Wilderlands have to offer.
If it's all a lie, I will see through it and reach the truth that hides behind it all. If it's all real, then I will overcome any obstacle it throws at me so I can return home and fulfill my goals.
But no matter what, I will have to accept everybody here. Their kindness, their flaws, their actions...everything.
I guess I will.
